"I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me"

I don't really want to have two consecutive melo-dramatic blogs, but I can't deny my shitty situations.

I feel like I've lost, again. I can say I tried, but not enough. Fuck. After two years, I thought I would be in a more mature and responsible stage in my life, but I'm still the little lazyass 17 year-old who couldn't write two coherent personal statements. The UC system - 2, me - 0.

These statements aren't even hard. It's just difficult to writeabout myself in about 500 words. I tend to lose focus and lack concision.

If I don't make the cut, then I'll have to wait another year and apply as a senior transfer. I don't want that at all. I don't want to be stuck at my parents' house for another year. I don't want to continue sleeping in the living room and listening to my parents bitch about our financial dilemmas. I want to finally get out of here and explore. Have experiences you only get by venturing out and actually living on your own. Oh, and I don't want to be asked to coach again haha.

It looks like I'm going to break people's expectations once again. It's already written in the volleyball program that I'm suppose to be transferring to UCLA in the Fall of 2010. I've already told so many people that I'm planning on transferring next year. What if I don't make the deadline? What am I going to tell people? That I was too fuckin' lazy and procrastinated, AGAIN?! The likelihood is crashing in that direction.

I really do need to hold someone's hand right now. I'm scared of defeat.